Communication & Conflict resolution
When your partner has something to say:
Ask them to pause for a moment.
Take a breath, go to your center.
Forget about fixing them, forget about solving their problem, drop any expectations that what they share will be 100% accurate or logical.
Note that you are not responsible for their emotions (unless your being a jerk). They are responsible for their emotions.
Ask your partner to share what they need to share (perhaps in small chunks).
Come back to center, again and again. Leave the room for a few minutes (if you need to) in order to re-center.
Set aside anything of yours that you feel the urge to say, so instead, you can listen deeply to them & repeat back their words to them.
Commit to holding space for them, even if they get emotional, even if they start blaming, even if its unfair or inaccurate.
Then ask them, did I miss anything, did I reflect that back to you accurately?
If important things were missed or were inaccurately reflected, ask your partner to share those bits again and you repeat them back again.
Ask, was that accurate?
Then ask, is there anything more?
If yes, repeat the above steps until there is no more for your partner to share.
Ask them, do you feel heard?
When you have something to say:
Ask the other person, do you have capacity to hold space for me for a few minutes? If the answer is yes, try using this non-violent communication structure called OFNOR.
Observe (the data)
Feelings (I felt…)
Needs (my unmet needs were…)
Own (I can own that…)
Request (Can we agree to…)
Here it is again with more detail.
Observe (the data).
Keep it short, just the facts, just the data. Avoid generalizing, pick a specific incident.
Good example: I noticed yesterday that the bins didn’t get put out.
Bad example: You never listen to me, you never put the bins out.
In the second version, I am pointing my finger at you, which encourages defensiveness.
In the first version, I avoid the word “you”, and point my finger towards me by using the word “I”.
Feelings (I felt…)
Keep it short, no story, just the feelings.
Example: I felt angry, unimportant and ignored.
“Ignored” and “unimportant) aren’t really feelings, they are judgements with a feeling of anger underneath them. However, this judgements are useful. As being ignored, points to an unmet need (see the next step).
Needs (my unmet needs were…)
Example: My need to be acknowledged and my need to be seen, was not met.
Notice how “ignored” is kind of the opposite of my need to be acknowledged/to be seen?
The “ignored’ judgement helps me identify my unmet needs.
Example: My need to feel important was not met.
Own (I can own that…)
By owning my stuff, I demonstrate that I am not looking for perfection, its ok to make a mistake, and its ok to be accountable for my behavior. This encourages the other person to stay open.
Example: I can own that sometimes I forget to put the bins out.
Example: I can own that, actually, I am important, even if you forget to put the bins out!
Request (Can we agree to…)
Now its time to make an empowered request (not a demand).
Example: So that I can get my needs met, would you re-commit to putting the bins out?
Example: So can we agree that….
Here is another example:
We have an agreement to do our dishes straight after dinner. And I noticed that the dishes didn’t get done last night.
And I felt small and I felt fear.
My need for relaxation was not met and my need to feel worthy was not met.
I can own that sometimes I dont do the dishes straight away. And I can own that I am relying you to keep our agreements for me to feel worthy.
So can we agree to do our dishes straight after dinner?